Hiraeth
Hiraeth: A homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was. Everyone has their own Hiraeth. To someone, it is their hometown, and to the others, it can be the past that they cannot come back. However, for me, Hiraeth is the moment that I yelled to my aunt before I could eat the last meal with her. My aunt passed away 4 years ago, when she was 43 years old. Since she was very kind and generous, to her nephews and nieces, I obeyed her like my parents. Her existence was substantial to me, because she encouraged me when I was bullied in middle school, and since she was another parent to me. However, when I was in 11th grade, she suddenly passed away without me noticing her sickness, so for me shock was significant, since I was not prepared. From before, she was really sick and had a surgery, but she kept fighting against her disease, and she was healthy for a while. Thus, nobody thought that she would pass away abruptly, and even when she was seriously sick, my mom and grandmother did not tell me because they thought she would get up like she used to. If I knew she would abruptly pass away, I would have not yelled her. I was really sad and guilty when she died, because I was not very nice at our last meal. My aunt came to my house three weeks before she passed away in January. She wanted to eat lunch with us. It was the restaurant that we had to ride in a car, but there were too many people so I had to walk to the restaurant. My aunt asked me to walk to the restaurant. With apologetic face, she asked me to follow. I felt it was really unfair, and I thought I was excluded from my family, so I yelled at aunt and just went to the academy. Even on the way to the academy, I was angry, but at the same time, I knew that she was sorry, and it was wrong. However, walking by myself to the restaurant by myself was the act I hate. After I came back from my academy at that night, my mom told me aunt was sad because I was not there. I felt guilty about my action, and if I could I wanted to apologize to her though. There was no more chance to say sorry. Her sickness got serious, so she had to stay at the hospital. I did not know that, because she replied to my messages, and my mom and grandmother told me that she will come back after finish her business trip. When I sent her a happy new year message, she replied like ‘happy new year my handsome nephew, I felt sadness since I cannot see your smile like I used to, before you made our family members really happy because you were so smart and tried hard to make our family smile.’ That was the last and sweet message from her. Frankly, I heard conversation between my mom and grandmother that my aunt was sick so I already knew that she was sick again, but still I could not foresee what will happen. One day, when I was studying in academy, my teacher told me that I have to go back to my home with an urgent voice. Suddenly, an ominous thought came across on my mind; yet I hoped it was not the news I was thinking, and I ran back home even forgetting to bring my bag. When I arrived at home panting, my dad told me my aunt passed away. Although I could not believe the news, after I saw her picture at her funeral, then I had to embrace the fact that she was not in this world anymore. My legs were loosened, and I was stunned on the spot and wailed out for an hour. It was sad, but more than sadness, I could not put up my chin towards aunt’s smiling picture, since I was guilty. I determined to ask her forgiveness; still, I could not. I still regret that I yelled at her, and I do want to apologize her. However, the person whom I have to ask forgiveness does not exist anymore, the person whom became my friend and parents, and person whom I respected as my role model is not exist in this world anymore. Losing a precious person while living is the most painful event we have to get through, and losing a precious person is like a track that remains in the deep soil after a stone is pulled out. Her tracks are stuck in my soil which is called memory. Until now, from time to time, I think how I would be happy if I can go back to the past. However, this is Hiraeth. Since I cannot go back, instead of becoming sad, I have to endure and make progress for her in my life. I still miss her, and as long as she wanted to see I enter a college, I imagine how she was proud of me when she sees me speaking English quite fluently like now and getting good grades from classes. Therefore, I have to live the life she did not, so that I will not regret about what I did and I can say I lived my life fruitful instead of you, when I meet her at the heaven. I want to mention the word she left before she died. She mentioned she wanted to live longer if she could. It makes me think a lot about living life without regret and how I can become a nephew who can give my aunt pride. Nobody go back to the past. Therefore, to not regret, we have to try our best to live out given situations, and we have to treat our parents, family, and friends with kindness and generosity.
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Jacob (Chan Woo Kim)
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